Abouts Books

By Tyler R. Tichelaar

Karen Sherman, Ph.D., has been in private practice for over 20 years. Her first book, "Marriage Magic! Find It, Keep It, and Make It Last" was originally published in 2004 with co-author Dale Klein. She is also a contributing author to "101 Ways to Self-Improvement, Vol. 2," a featured writer on "Yahoo Personals," has a weekly blog on ThirdAge.com, and writes the Disputes column for Hitchedmag.com. She is interviewed regularly in the media, and is a frequent guest on both national and international talk radio stations. Dr. Sherman conducts a variety of workshops on relationships and lifestyle issues. She serves on the faculty at CW Post University and she is active in many counseling associations. Karen resides on Long Island, New York, is married and has two daughters. In her spare time, Karen enjoys reading, traveling, and playing Suduko.

Tyler: Welcome, Karen. I'm glad that you could join me today. To begin, will you explain to us what the focus is of "Mindfulness and The Art of Choice"?

Karen: Thanks, Tyler. It's really nice to be able to speak with you. I wrote this book in order to help people realize that so often in life their behavior is not really the result of free choice. Rather, most of the time, life is the result of patterned responses that occur as habits based on experiences that have been learned in childhood. And, what's more, though they are usually not pleased with the outcomes of their actions or the way their life is going, most people don't even realize that this is happening. It's almost like they are functioning on "auto-pilot." For instance, someone seems to find that she is always getting into hassles with those around her. She constantly blames everyone else. She never considers that maybe it's something she's doing and always feels like a victim.

I came to the realizations and methods of change that I talk about in the book from my own personal journey. As a result of what I went through, I was able to see that so much of my life was emotionally frozen. I did a lot of personal work to deal with the feelings rather than merely to understand them and realized that there are ways to no longer be a prisoner to one's past. I started using these same tools in my private practice and my clients were starting to have very powerful positive reactions. So, I became more motivated to share the knowledge I've gained with a larger audience than just those I saw in my practice.

Tyler: Karen, how much depends on one's outlook or expectations of life? For example the person who thinks she's a victim-is it not only that she may be doing something to make people dislike her, but that she expects to be treated that way so she is programmed to react that way?

Karen: Tyler, I think you've hit on a really important point. There is no absolute reality in life-only each person's own reality based on his or her own perceptions and expectations. And so, yes, if the hypothetical "she" that you and I are referring to expects to be treated like a victim, she will act like one and bring out being treated like a victim in others. Going back to the premise in my book, the early experiences one has will very much create the filtering system, the way one looks at the world, which then sets up her expectations, perceptions and behaviors.

Tyler: Karen, why do you refer to choice as an art?

Karen: I see choice as an art rather than as a science. Science is exact, rigid, specific. To me, inherent in the concept of choice is that each person has any number of possibilities and all sorts of potentialities. So to honor each person's own path, I felt it was more appropriate to think in terms of an art which is more abstract, creative, flowing, and flexible.

Tyler: Would you give us an example of how possibilities exist? People often want the answer to a problem, but are you saying there can be many answers?

Karen: Exactly! There is not necessarily one right answer to any situation. When one is responding in a frozen, habitual way, however, you can't even consider alternate possibilities. Once you move out of this rigid stance, all sorts of potential choices are available. Additionally, if the choice you make doesn't please you, rather than "beat yourself up," you can learn from it and allow yourself other possibilities in the future. The choices are out there. One just has to be open to them.

Tyler: Karen, what made you decide to specialize in relationships?

Karen: I have a great deal of experience in this area. For starters, I've been doing relationship work for a very long time - since I'm 8 years old to be exact! I guess those early experiences fostered a passion to want to help couples through their struggles so that they would do well and children would feel safe, nurtured, and secure in their family. I took graduate courses in the field, have certifications in marriage and family work, and make sure I keep abreast of what's going on in the area through current research. All of the different varieties of work I do maintain a focus of helping people with their relationships.

Tyler: What benefit do you receive personally from helping people with their relationships? Do you ever learn from your clients?

Karen: I do derive a lot of personal satisfaction when I know I have been instrumental in helping someone personally or in his or her relationships. I feel as if I've added something to humanity. And, yes, there are many times I feel like I'm learning from clients. I would never profess to know everything. I see life as a journey and perhaps the way my clients view something or the way they have come to understand something is helpful not only to me but it allows me to help others. Also, when I see that a tool I use isn't working as effectively as I'd like it to, I refine it. This also allows me to use it in a better way with others.

Tyler: Your book uses examples from your own life to teach mindfulness. Would you give us one such example to illustrate what you mean by mindfulness?

Karen: Sure. Several clients I have worked with reported that they exhibited anger control problems, that they had a "short fuse." After we talked about it, what became apparent was that they were not mindful of the signals they were getting to let them know that they were getting upset. Such signals might be that their chest was getting tighter and tighter or feeling a rapid heart beat. By ignoring these bodily signals, the anger was building up until it reached a point where it got out of control and exploded. By helping these clients learn to be mindful of their bodily signals earlier, they were able to intervene and do something constructive before they exploded. This avoided the unwanted, undesirable previous behavioral response.

Tyler: What would be an example of something constructive they could do instead? Would you give us an example of a specific situation where someone might get upset and then how the person could best make the situation constructive?

Karen: One of the most constructive tools when someone realizes that she is getting angry is to take a long, slow breath in through her nose. Bring the breath down past the throat and chest into the area just below the rib cage. Hold it till the count of four and then release it very slowly through slightly opened lips. What this does is jump-start the parasympathetic nervous system-the part of the body that relaxes you. You can't be in a state of relaxation and arousal at the same time. Once the person is calm, she can listen more carefully to what is being said and respond more appropriately.

Tyler: Karen, what exactly is the role of baggage in our relationships? Once we've had failed relationships, can we ever really have a whole and good relationship without that old relationship getting in the way?

Karen: Absolutely! Very often when there are wounds from the past, you will be drawn to someone who, at a sub-awareness level, reminds you of the person from your past (usually from your family of origin) so that you can deal with the issue. That's why people tend to go out with the same type of person over and over again even after they've gotten hurt and sworn that next time will be different. Remember, they are doing this at a sub-awareness level.

But if the person is willing to look at the actual hurt and deal with it, by doing the exercises offered in my book, the brain will actually be able to make new connections-rewire-that is, the old situation will not cause the same reaction. Therefore, by practicing these exercises over time, the wound is no longer there. By that I mean that though the original situation doesn't change-the facts are the facts-there is no more emotional negative energy behind it. Once the wound has been healed, there is no longer the need to play it out with a partner. The relationship you have or the ones you enter into will be of a much different nature, they will be far more healthy.

Tyler: How does one stay aware of old patterns and baggage and when they are trying to sabotage our current relationships?

Karen: For me, the "red flag" is when someone has an immediate, intense emotional reaction to something. And when the other person tries to explain, the injured person just can't seem to let it go. The reason there is such a strong reaction is because it's hooking into something from the past. Yes, there is a trigger in the present day situation but the intensity is the giveaway clue that there's much more to it.

As far as sabotaging your relationships, I don't think people realize that their behavior is sabotaging their relationships at the moment that they have their reactions. As a matter of fact, the emotions are so strong, they're not thinking at all. Emotions cloud clear thinking. It's not until later, when the emotions calm down (and later could be even a couple of days), that the person may realize that their behavior has sabotaged their relationship.

Tyler: Why did you choose to focus on the word "mindfulness" over "awareness" in the title?

Karen: This book is about letting people know that they can have the life they want-that it is actually something they can choose to create. The concept of awareness merely is the result of feeling or perceiving. More importantly, it does not require any action. On the other hand, mindfulness is not passive, but requires action on the part of the mind. One must exert an effort to pay attention to what is going on for herself in the present moment. So, the term mindfulness is totally consistent with the process of breaking from habitual past patterns and choosing to live the life you want-and deserve.

Tyler: Karen, you offer exercises in the book to help us improve our relationships. Will you give us an example of an effective exercise?

Karen: I try to offer several different aspects of having better relationships in the book. Relationships are really important to enhancing one's life. Unfortunately, too often I see clients who feel that the only way they can have a good sense of who they are is by being in a relationship. So when they are involved with someone, they are as high as a kite; but then, if things aren't going well or the relationship ends, they are down on themselves, feel like they aren't worth anything, and go into an emotional tailspin. This is because they have given over their emotional power to the other person. It's kind of like the enactment of the fantasy movie, Jerry McGuire, where one character says to the other, "You complete me." Unknowingly, this is an unconscious declaration of dependency.

The best relationships are those that are where they enhance two separate whole people. It's really hard to be in a healthy relationship if you don't feel good about yourself. You're looking for the other person to make you feel good-and that's a lot of responsibility and unfair to each party. Of course, this is more likely to happen when you still have a lot of "baggage" from your past.

In order to have a successful love relationship, the first thing you have to have is a good solid relationship with yourself. One of the ways to do that is to accept that everyone has some parts that are wonderful and some parts that aren't. You must be able to love all of you-not try to get rid of the parts that are less than wonderful. Those are the parts that need more love. All parts are worthy of love and are worth the love you can give.

So I suggest visualizing all your different parts-including the stubborn part, the lazy part, the silly part, etc. Many times, you might see these different aspects of you as yourself at different ages. Have them all stand on a stage. Now, visualize you as an adult, who is unconditionally loving, and go to each one of them; start to express your love and acceptance to that part. Actually imagine holding each one and expressing your love and imagine feeling the love from the adult in you.

Of course, this takes time-it doesn't happen after just one attempt. It requires repeated practice, just like learning any other skill. This is a brief example-it's explained more thoroughly in the book. And as I said, there are other exercises as well to help with relationship issues.

Tyler: Karen, what you're describing sounds like co-dependency or love-addiction. Many other books have been written on these subjects. What do you think makes "Mindfulness and The Art of Choice" stand out from those other books?

Karen: I'm familiar with a lot of those books and they are all good-conceptually. "Mindfulness and The Art of Choice" gives the reader the opportunity to really make a change. Again, to have a permanent, effective change, the wound has to be dealt with at the physical level, not just through an intellectual understanding. The tools in my book have the reader feel the feelings and make new connections largely through visualizations.

Tyler: Karen, how do you view "Mindfulness and The Art of Choice" in relation to your previous book "Marriage Magic"-what was the difference you wanted to express?

Karen: This book is written more for the individual and focuses on healing the negative messages from the past that hold you back. It teaches how to be more mindful of the messages and how to rewrite them, allowing you more positive choices and positive results in your life. "Marriage Magic," though also motivated by personal experiences in part, was driven by my realization that so many of my clients stayed married even though they were unhappy. That book was geared to help them revitalize their relationships rather than turn to divorce.

I am planning on writing a follow-up piece for "Mindfulness and The Art of Choice" as it more directly plays out in a couple.

My hope for both books is that people will know that their lives can be better. We all deserve that and are entitled to that.

Tyler: One element of "Mindfulness and The Art of Choice" that stands out is the personal stories you include in it as examples. Would you share one of those stories with us and what you learned from it and why you thought including it in your book would be helpful to others?

Karen: To me, of all the types of abuse I suffered, the worst was the neglect. My mother worked at her own business at a time in history when mothers didn't work. On several occasions my parents would call and say they'd be home for dinner and I should wait up, they were bringing home pizza. Of course, as a little girl, I was so excited. They'd get delayed and wouldn't make it home at the time they said. No phone calls, no explanations, nothing. Only a disappointed little girl who ends up falling asleep-with no dinner; but more importantly, with not seeing my parents. When I became a mother, I never missed an event or came late for either of my girls.

So, yes, Tyler, the personal stories are very revealing. The reason I chose to expose them was to let people know that even if you've had a really horrible childhood, things can be different.

Tyler: Karen, you are also a successful teacher and workshop creator. Will you tell us a little bit about what you try to instill in people through teaching?

Karen: Thanks for asking me that question because the very same things I bring to my teaching, my workshops, and my practice is the message I wanted people to get from this book. The main message is that no matter what your experiences have been in the past, how you live your life is a choice. I truly believe that not only does each person have responsibility for what happens to him or her but therein also lies his or her power. Clearly, I know that things can be tough-my childhood sure was. That was why I was willing to share so many personal details-to let others know that changes can be made. So I want to instill a message of hope and strength and to let others know how very important it is that they honor themselves.

Tyler: Thank you for joining me today, Karen. Before we go, will you let us know about your website and what additional information may be found there about "Mindfulness and The Art of Choice"?

Karen: I have two different websites: www.ChoiceRelationships.com and www.drkarensherman.com. People can get a bunch of free stuff: there's a short email program, "5 Top Tips For Having a Great Relationship," a 3 week program that can change your relationship around based on the principle of Action = Reaction, an article on "How to Shop for a Therapist," and people can sign up for my free monthly newsletter that offers valuable ongoing tips about relationships and lifestyle issues.

At each of the sites, there's a products page, where I offer other tools via books, CDs, or MP3s. And I'm always adding more products.

Tyler: Thank you, Karen. I hope you have much success in helping people be mindful of their choices. Keep up the good work.

Karen: Thank you for the opportunity to speak with you. I do hope people will read "Mindfulness and The Art of Choice" and gain the tools to live a life of choice!

Today, Tyler R. Tichelaar of Reader Views is pleased to be joined by Karen Sherman, who is here to discuss her new book "Mindfulness and The Art of Choice," Loving Healing Press (2008), ISBN 9781932690514.

http://www.readerviews.com/